Honesty Over Comfort: The "How To" Guide (If You Dare to Change)

..Because Everyone Can See Through Your BS Anyway.

If you were here last week, we talked about the hard truth: your desperate need to be "nice" isn’t a personality trait - it is a default setting linked to unresolved wounds. I asked if being honest felt as fun as drinking bleach, remember?

Right, so maybe you read the blog, you nodded along, and you saw yourself in those words - but nothing has actually changed for you since then. That is okay; you can sit idle for a bit. I appreciate the honesty in that. But if you are ready to stop being the person people know will just say the "nice thing" to their face while keeping the truth tucked away, then stick around.

And look, my friend, don’t think for a second people can’t see through those "nice" words. They can. 100%. It is incredibly exhausting to be on the receiving end of someone who never gives you the real story. Is this how you want people to experience you?

Do you want people to trust you? More importantly, do you want to trust yourself?

This isn't a judgement, but those choices (and they are choices) are keeping you stuck. Your past is holding the key - it is time for you to put your big girl pants on and help yourself in this process of change.

How to Quit People-Pleasing and Find Your Real Voice

Here are some practical, no-nonsense strategies to start practising radical honesty today.

1. Name and Tame

In your day-to-day, you will hit a "Choice Point." It is that micro-pause where you can either react instinctively (lie/please) or make a conscious decision to be real.

• Seize the Choice: When that urge to be disingenuous surfaces, acknowledge it without judgement.

• Label and Depower: Give that feeling a silly name. "Oh, there is that old 'Scared Sally' feeling again." This creates distance.

• Validate, Don't Obey: The feeling is valid - it has been your armour for a long time - but you don't have to let it drive the car.

• Own the Outcome: Take a deep breath. Breathe into your clarity and choose your response. You are in charge now.

2. The "Pause and Scan" Method

People-pleasing is a reflex. The "nice" words often leave your mouth before your brain has even checked the contents.

• The Practice: When someone asks for something, wait five seconds before answering.

• The Internal Question: Ask yourself: "Am I saying this because I mean it, or because I am scared they won't like me?"

The Action: If you aren't ready to be honest yet, use a placeholder: "Let me think about that and get back to you." This breaks the cycle of automatic compliance.

3. "Micro-Dosing" the Truth

You are building a new muscle. Start in low-stakes environments where the risk of "abandonment" is zero.

• The Scenario: A friend suggests a restaurant you actually hate.

• The Script: Instead of "I love that place!", try: "Actually, I am not a huge fan of their food. Could we try the place across the street?"

• The Goal: Prove to your nervous system that the world doesn't end when you disagree.

4. Use "I" Statements

For a people-pleaser, honesty can feel like an attack. "I" statements make it feel like sharing rather than exploding.

• Instead of: "You are being too loud." (Feels like conflict).

• Try: "I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by the noise; could we turn it down?" (Focuses on your internal state).

• Why it works: It is much harder for someone to argue with how you feel than with what you think.

5. Categorise Your Truths

Don't try to overhaul your marriage and your career in one afternoon. Use this levels-system to decide where to focus:

• Level 1: Safe (Strangers, waiters, shopkeepers)
  The Goal: Practice saying "No, thank you" or "I feel...". Disagree safely with people you will likely never see again.

• Level 2: Moderate (Colleagues or casual friends)
  The Goal: Share a small personal preference or a minor frustration. Start showing up as a person with actual opinions.

• Level 3: Deep (Partners, parents, best friends)
  The Goal: Start with: "Can I share something with you?". Sharing a core need builds a validation of your honesty and creates real trust.

The "Honesty Hangover"

When you start being honest, expect a "vulnerability hangover" - a wave of guilt or anxiety. Expect it. Remind yourself: "I feel guilty not because I did something wrong, but because I am breaking an old survival rule." Discomfort is just a growth pain. It is temporary. It, too, shall pass.

A Note on Safety

Authenticity requires a safe audience. As you become more honest, you will quickly learn who actually loves you, and who only loved the version of you that served them.

One last question for you - another level of the "Honesty Challenge":

Are the values you hold today actually yours? If your new choice was to commence a more honest existence, what value would that be? And what behaviours would you need to start living by in order to honour it? If you chose Honesty over Comfort, what behaviours would have to change tomorrow?

Change is possible. It is a new skill. Skills need practice. Practice takes time. And time is exactly what you have.

As always, I am here to hold your hand through the messy bits.

Talk soon,

Fleur Elizabeth x