Making Change Can Really Suck Sometimes
(The unglamorous side people don’t talk about)
Time for some salts of truth, my friend. I want to talk about the realistic picture of how change can be rough at times, and exactly why that is.
When you are healing, doing the work, re-establishing your values, and working towards embodying the Future Self you want for your life, there is no point creating an illusion. Going through what I call "The Change Experience" and letting go of the struggle within your former self is not all roses and rainbows. That is simply untrue. That comfortably uncomfortable way of life is your current order. It works for right now, even if it makes you feel crappy.
I am not sharing any of this to turn you off doing the empowering work either. I am right here holding your hand, but we need to talk about the hard stuff. So you are prepared. So you know what to expect.
Surprises do not bode well in recovery or when making a change. They create fear and make you bolt back to what is easy. You know that feeling. The knot in your stomach, the catch in your throat.
It can feel exactly like that when you hold onto a fear of letting go. Even when your mind is crystal clear that you want to stop this chaotic emotional rollercoaster, and even when you know moving forward is the only way to find peace, I want you to be aware: while you are in a transitional phase, there will be a feeling of disorder. It can feel like wading through muddy waters sometimes.
This is normal. Everyone who makes a change, heals their past wounds, and works on implementing new values to live a better life goes through this. You are not alone. Not by a long shot. Struggle is a part of it, but it does get better. The disorder you feel will shift as the new values you embody create behaviours that become more automatic. That old coping mechanism you relied on will fade away, making room for a new order of things. It creates a place where you can automatically experience a world that is happier, healthier, and easier to live in.
The Dance Between Logic and Survival
There is a fascinating dance happening inside us. Our brilliant frontal cortex, the logical part of our brain, gets it. It sees the sense, the growth, and the brighter horizon. "Yes," it says, "let's release what no longer serves us!"
But then our limbic brain chimes in. That emotional core clings on for dear life. It has a deep, visceral attachment to your old narrative, the one you created in your early years. It was your survival manual for so long, wired with a whole history of emotional memories. It feels safe, even if it was ultimately painful.
That is why all this incredible work we are doing (rewiring those old stories, practising our shiny new skills, building this deep inner connection) is not just mental gymnastics. It is about speaking a new language to that emotional centre of your brain. You are showing it, through consistent action and feeling, that there are new, safer, and more joyful narratives to connect to.
The Reality of Setting Boundaries
I need to be brutally honest here too. While I constantly advocate for boundary setting as a must-have life skill, the process is not always fun. It can be an intimidating, scary action that may come with absolute dread to begin with. The result is perhaps more of an emotional rollercoaster.
As you start to define your needs and create more space for yourself, things will change. You start to say, "Hey, my needs matter too," and sometimes people really do not like it. You have played a certain role in their lives, even if it was enabling or handling their less-than-lovely behaviour. When you shift, it throws their equilibrium off, and they might push back hard. You no longer playing the role they relied on is incredibly inconvenient for them, right?
You might even hear hurtful gaslighting labels thrown your way, designed specifically to make you doubt yourself. When you stop being a people-pleaser, the dynamic shifts, and conflict bubbles up. Sometimes, you will choose to step away, seeing the relationship for its one-sided nature with no reciprocity, and sometimes, those relationships will just naturally fade.
BUT... to begin with, it can feel incredibly lonely. I will not lie.
This journey of change, and stepping into the unknown, triggers a primal fear of being disconnected from your tribe. Your brain interprets this as a potential threat to your survival. Relationships shift or disappear, and in those vulnerable moments, a little voice of doubt creeps in. "Am I doing the right thing?" it whispers.
The temptation to run back to the familiar, even if it was toxic, can be incredibly strong. That loneliness, and the feeling of being challenged in your newfound beliefs, can make it bloody hard to stand your ground. Feeling exposed might make you reach for those old numbing agents (food, alcohol, workaholic tendencies, online distractions) just to escape the discomfort. You might even start questioning whether all this hard work is worth the ache. That pull back to the familiar can feel like a magnetic force.
BUT... this is exactly where you need to trust the process. You need to know that you are creating a new space for reciprocity and meaningful relationships that actually meet your needs to move into your life.
The "No-Nonsense" Truth About Time
Please, be incredibly gentle with yourself. This is not an overnight transformation. Unwiring old narratives, deep-seated beliefs, and the trauma that has been a part of your story for so long takes time. And, as I often say, "It takes as long as it takes."
You cannot rush healing your core wounds. You have built a strong bond with what lives inside you, and untangling that takes patience and a bucket load of kindness. There will be days when you just cannot show up for this work with full force, and that is okay. Patience here means giving yourself a few weeks off, or a month. Whatever it takes for you to stand back up again and be ready. This is your life’s work, honour that.
Healing, and letting go of old narratives is a gradual process of moving through each layer of the unknown. Working out how to handle this new disorder can be tricky. You have to observe yourself. Making conscious choices in line with your values without getting frozen in guilt, shame, or triggers from your past, is where your value of self-compassion needs to raise its hand and be your shield and soothing blanket. Your values, and your chosen actions to live by them, are your guiding light. They are your tools to take away the fear and soothe that former self inside you that is feeling unsafe. You are moving into a new body, a new connection of consciousness, and the old clothes just do not fit so well anymore, right?
But the reality is there are no shortcuts here. There are no magic pills that will make this easier. You just need to show up, do the work, and trust yourself along the way. That, plus a good dose of bravery, authenticity, compassion, empathy, and acceptance, is what you need to genuinely heal your most protected core wounds. Got it?
The good news is, with conscious effort and work to create inner connection, your limbic brain does eventually catch up. As you start to form new healthy attachments and let go of unhealthy ones, your limbic brain creates new emotional memories and new narratives. By taking things one step at a time, you can do this. Slowly, piece by piece. Here is where your "new sense of order" will begin.
If you are tackling boundary setting with energy vampires (people who suck your energy dry), remember to tackle it one person and one boundary at a time. Trying to do a "scorched earth" clear-out often comes from overwhelming fear and creates too much chaos in the long run. Go gently.
Be kind to yourself through this challenging dance of change. Create space for acceptance. This short-term pain is a pathway to a life so much richer than just surviving in a long-term misery and denial.
Discovering What You Actually Want
To heal and make a change, you need to work out what you actually want out of life. What are your needs? A lot of the time, most people come up completely blank when asked this. Do not worry. You may need a crowbar to wrench some of this stuff out of yourself, and that is completely okay.
So, my friend, if you are feeling a little lost and do not know where to start, here are some questions to give you motivation, uncover your desires, and give you compelling reasons to take action.
Find a quiet spot with some time just for you. Ask yourself these questions, and then sit with them over the coming days. See what comes up inside, and notice how it makes you feel. Notice your internal thoughts and messaging. There is a voice inside you that wants to be heard. If you quiet the noise of the past, you just might hear it encouraging you to be curious, open, and believe that change is possible.
This exercise is designed to be light. It is simply about helping you get to the heart of your truth, and it is a great opportunity to start implementing some small, values-based activities into your life.
Your Inspiration Questions:
What is play for you that feels like hard work for others?
Who do you admire, and what exactly do those people do?
If money was not a factor, what would you be doing with your days?
What would you wish to create, even if it took 25 years to build it?
What problem in the world breaks your heart that you feel compelled to solve?
If you were reborn tomorrow, what would you do differently? Who would you be?
What do you really want to do, but currently feel too embarrassed to share out loud?
When in your life did you feel most alive, and what were you doing? What could you do now in your current physical state that could replicate that feeling?
Looking at all your answers above, what would you actually do if you knew you could not fail?
If any of your answers inspire or fire you up even a little bit, go do that thing (or make a realistic plan to start). When you do this exercise, remember to read both the questions and your answers out loud. Your brain needs to hear them, and it needs to hear your genuine expression of truth.
When you finally stand tall and say, even quietly to yourself, "My needs matter just as much as yours," you will do it with quiet confidence. You will have a deep knowing that you are making choices that honour the incredible woman you are. As you will eventually learn, when you back yourself without a doubt, you will feel a sense of peace that comes from deep within. The kind of joy that is not just a fleeting high, but a quiet, steady truth.
Finding acceptance in the "disorder" of transition and acknowledging that your current, crappy way of living actually works as a survival mechanism is an incredibly valuable, self-validating step for you to take. It makes the scary process of change feel more normal and the bumps expected.
So, put your big girl pants on, please, and look up. Straighten your posture. No slumping. Shoulders back, back straight, hips aligned. Stand tall in your body, and do it for yourself. Pay attention to your body as you do this work. She is your best friend. You need her help to get you to the finish line, so listen to her.
Welcome to your journey of becoming wholly liberated through connection to your truest, most authentic self.
Any questions, struggles, or bits of curiosity you wish to share, you know I am here.
I’m holding your hand,
Fleur Elizabeth x
P.S - Wrap your arms around your body and give yourself a big hug when you go to sleep tonight. Your former self needs it.
