Be the People-Pleaser of Your Own Life
People-Pleaser Recovery: Part 1
“Tell yourself the truth – anything you do that is worth doing is going to be hard at first.”
Women need to learn the skill of being entirely truthful with themselves about people-pleasing. We rarely admit the full extent of it because we’re afraid of what it means; it feels like a slur against who we are as adults. No one wants to admit to it because it feels like a weakness, but we all know we do it.
So, let’s gently look at this: Are you someone who consistently prioritises the needs, feelings, and approval of everyone else ahead of your own, often at the expense of your own happiness? Do you struggle to set boundaries? You hate conflict, so you appease. You never want to disappoint, so saying “no” is so damn hard.
And, if you are really honest, do you know deep down this is coming from a fear of rejection? Think of those moments when you over-apologise, seek validation to feel worthy, agree to things just to keep the peace, or automatically accept the blame just to end an uncomfortable conversation.
If you are nodding along, feeling that familiar pinch, then you’ve landed in the right place, my friend.
Take a breath. You are safe. All this blog is about is helping you to normalise this conversation about people-pleasing and actually start the recovery process. Like I say to all my clients, I can’t promise you this will be easy or pain-free. Anything worth doing is going to be hard. But the freedom and peace you will experience on the other side of this is like nothing you have ever felt before. So, stick around.
Pack Your Boots for the Rocky Terrain
Before you start any kind of challenge – physical or mental – you prepare. Say you wanted to go for a long, challenging hike. What do you do?
If you showed up in flip-flops, a bikini top, and shorts, and tried to walk thirty kilometres over rocky terrain in the middle of summer with no water or shelter, you wouldn’t enjoy yourself, would you? You’d give up, say it was total rubbish, and never do it again.
But, if you wear the right boots, pack your sunscreen, a hat, walking poles to support your knees, a backpack, food, and plenty of water, and plot out the best path – you’d have a ripper time. You might have a blister or a few cuts from some broken branches along the way, and a rose-red face, but you’d be feeling high on life and so good, wouldn’t you?
The pathway away from people-pleasing is exactly the same. If you prepare yourself for some rocky terrain, take care of your body, keep your nervous system balanced, and expect a few challenges, this work can become the most liberating and joyful thing you’ve ever done.
Changing the Internal Narrative
When you catch your brain starting the old dialogue of “I’m not worthy, I’m not enough, I haven’t done enough,” you must manually change the script.
Most people in the early stages of recovery can’t look in the mirror and comfortably say, "I’m a beautiful person and I love myself inside out." That’s fine. Start smaller with realistic, grounded self-talk:
“I am trying my best.”
“I’m in a transition phase, and I am learning.”
“I am living by my values, so this choice is good for me.”
“I am taking deliberate actions to have peace in my life, and that is okay.”
None of this is easy. But like any new skill, it needs practice. Remember, your brain changes through action and repetition. You are disrupting the status quo, ruffling the surface, and breaking completely new ground. Underneath that surface – I know there was for me – is some active earth that needs to spill up and out. It needs air, and it needs to be seen. Once it vents, it calms down and becomes part of the beautiful, permanent scenery of your mind.
The "Single Apple" Effect
I am a firm believer that during this recovery phase, you are going to piss people off. When you set boundaries, it means particular energy vampires can no longer have their way with you. You are no longer showing up to please them with zero regard for yourself.
Instead, you are showing up and saying: “Hello. This is what I expect from you, this is what I am prepared to tolerate, and this is all I have to offer.” To them, it will feel like you’ve suddenly marched into the room, snatched away a buffet spread of ten different gourmet dishes, and left a single apple on the table. It’s not very sexy for them, is it?
But you get your peace. You lose your resentment, and you take back all that precious energy you once gave away so freely. Eventually, you discover that the most important things in life are entirely worth being disliked for.
The Power of the Elegant Exit
Part of this recovery process is learning to stop the automatic flow of words we use just to fill an uncomfortable silence. Just be silent. Let someone else speak, or simply enjoy the peace that quiet brings.
Conserve your energy. Stop worrying: What will they think of me if I say this? Am I saying the right thing? Do I need to be wittier, funnier, cleverer? Am I being supportive enough? Do I need to appease this person’s trauma-dump that they’ve just spewed all over me? Goodness, it’s exhausting. No more. Think of the penguins from Madagascar: metaphorically speaking, just smile and wave.
When you let someone else take the floor, you get to choose whether you want to engage or simply say, “Well, there you have it.” Smile, and make your exit. It’s polite, there’s no emotional reactivity – it’s just an elegant way of saying, "That belongs with you. Okay, bye."
If the conversation is important, listen and understand their experience, but remember: you do not have to react straight away. You don't need to scramble for a quick apology or a justification that gives your power away.
Try saying: “Thank you. I appreciate what you’re saying. I need to process this, and I will come back to you when I have.” Hard conversations don’t have to be about dominance; they are a fantastic measuring stick for the quality of a relationship. Test this out. You might be surprised to see who in your circle can actually handle a mature, two-way conversation.
The Golden Ticket of Disappointment
It is better to feel the temporary pain of taking a deliberate action than the chronic pain of staying stuck.
This requires the vital skill of becoming comfortable with disappointing others. If you are always "nice," you will never be honest with yourself. The fact of life is that disappointment is a requirement for growth. It is a necessary part of asserting your boundaries.
When you hold the line and stand your ground, people will be disappointed. Instead of fearing that, can you accept it as a normal part of life? Can you see it as a necessary part of being the leader of change in your own world?
The way you respond to the impulses and thoughts in your own mind is the most important mental action you can take. If you stay in the same automatic thought patterns, you will stay stuck – rigid, exhausted, and false.
When you spend your life trying to please everyone else, you end up pleasing no one. So, if you’re going to people-please, you might as well start with yourself.
The Extended Trail: Your Recovery Roadmap
Here are pointers for walking on confidently through the people-pleaser recovery process:
Get comfortable with being disliked. Approval from everyone is not what you need; you only need your own approval. Being disliked by the right people is actually a very good thing.
Stop taking personal responsibility for others' emotional states. If someone is disappointed by your boundaries, let them sit with that. It belongs to them, not you.
Stop assuming people are too fragile for honest feedback.You aren't doing anyone any favours by coddling them.
Show up, shut up, and observe. People will tell you everything you need to know about themselves if you simply watch and listen.
Expect the friction. Get used to being a little frustrated, a little lonely, and enduring a few nights where you wake up and ruminate. It’s part of the transition.
Get comfortable with what you need. Start to learn how to identify what it is that makes you happy, healthy, and balanced – and then start to verbalise that. To the mirror first, then to the outside world.
Come See the Sunshine Over Here…
How does this sit with you? Overwhelming? Maybe. Yes, I get it.
How about just trying one single thing I have pointed out, and seeing what happens? Then try another, and then another.
When you approach this with radical honesty and proper preparation, the results will deeply enhance the inner love you feel for yourself – the love that comes from the very shift in narrative you’ve been practising. There will be moments when you feel like you’re lighting up like a Christmas tree because you’re so incredibly proud of your progress.
Yes, there will be bumps, sleeplessness, and moments of intense frustration. You will go up and down, and that is completely okay. You might even feel a little bored or lonely at times. Suddenly, you look around and notice that all those people you used to please – the ones you had no boundaries with, the ones who sucked you dry – have quietly disappeared.
But then, one day, someone new walks into your life. You strike up a conversation. It’s stimulating. It’s fresh. They don’t want a single thing from you other than a mutually respectful, genuine connection.
Ahhh. This is the shift.
This is when you know your inner child is nurtured. She is with you, you are with her, and she is finally safe. You know this because you are no longer twisting yourself into knots to get the acceptance, love, and validation you longed for as a child but didn't receive.
In this new space, you realise exactly who you are: an individual. A woman of many colours, and one who can honestly say she loves herself, inside and out.
If you want to learn more about where your people-pleasing habits started and how to manually change them, come and have a chat. Or, you can dive deeper into the work at home with my book series, The Change Experience.
The choice is entirely yours - do you want to heal your past so you can transform your today?
I’m always here, holding your hand.
Fleur Elizabeth x
