Your “Badge of Honour” is a Crock
You don’t have to perform for worthiness
Do you see a pattern in your life? Are you always "on"? Always available? Do you find it impossible to switch off?
You’re the one who is always there for others – always. You offer incredible output, working harder than anyone else in your peer groups or profession, putting in far more than you ever signed up for. Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why?
In a nutshell – kind of like a macadamia nut – it’s because, my friend, you are driven by the need to be seen.
This isn't a "fame" thing. This is the past creating behaviours in your adult life. This is what happened to you as a child creating a loop that you’ve been stuck in ever since.
It’s exhausting, isn't it? (I know all too well!) Always available. Always doing "more." You wear "I’m busy" like a badge of honour. In fact, you have a whole collection of them:
“I’m exhausted… I’ve been doing X,” or “It’s just so full-on at the moment!” It’s as if life being hard makes you more worthy.
Look, world! Look at how hard I work! You’re doing all of this because you feel you need to appear worthy to actually be worthy.
I hate to tell you this, but your badge of honour has a subtext. It’s really saying: “I don’t value myself. I need others to see my output as amazing so I have worth.”That sucks to read, doesn't it? It hurts. It’s uncomfortable. But I’m here to tell you that you can change the narrative. You just need to learn some new skills.
The Context: Why the Loop Exists
This loop you’re in – what can be called "repetition compulsion" – happens for a reason. If you sit in a quiet moment and reflect, you’ll find a time in your past, likely childhood, where you were made to feel that what you did, and who you were, wasn't good enough.
Perhaps your emotions were invalidated. You weren’t allowed to be your authentic self or trust your instincts. You weren’t given the time with your parents to feel truly valued. Being curious wasn’t encouraged; making mistakes was shamed. Your confidence was never fostered; instead, your dependence on pleasing the caregiver was cultivated. You weren’t allowed to own your behaviour; you had to behave to please others. That is how you became safe. That is how you got seen.
This doesn’t only happen in "typically" abusive households. It happens in homes where parents were workaholics – signed up to a system to "have more," while you ultimately got less of them. Maybe your household was a complex, "functional" place driven by generational trauma, parental insecurity, and emotional immaturity. Often, a parent’s own lack of self-worth drove the entire household system.
In these environments – likely involving narcissistic parents, covert or otherwise – the unresolved wounds of the adults created the structure of the house (or the lack thereof). Your needs were always secondary to the needs of a parent or sibling. You learned that meeting their needs was the only way to feel worthy. You created a narrative: “I need to be more to be enough. I need to do more to be seen.”
None of that is true.
Signs You Grew Up in this Dynamic:
The Illusion of Trust: They say, "This is just between us," yet the details are shared with the whole family by the next phone call. It was never about trust; it was about control – and it’s where you first learned that people aren’t safe.
Disagreement as Betrayal: Any discussion is treated as a confrontation. They simply cannot hear another point of view; to them, a different opinion is a personal attack.
Do What They Want, When They Want It: You can’t say "no" to them. Setting a boundary is seen as a betrayal of "family loyalty."
The Silenced Voice: You learned to bite your tongue because your perspective was always labelled as "wrong." You weren't given the space to learn from mistakes; you were just shamed for making them.
The Competition: There is an uncomfortable vibe where they seem unhappy when you succeed, but almost relieved when you fail. It’s that "I told you so" energy – they’d rather see you struggle than see you surpass them.
The Sabotage: Somehow, your important milestones are hijacked. The focus is shifted away from your achievement and back onto how they did it better, how they did it first, or simply onto their own drama and needs.
Selective Kindness: They are often nicer to strangers and family friends than they are to you. Keeping up appearances is everything. Because "everyone loves them," your complaints are often dismissed or disbelieved.
The Constant Guilt Trip: Ouch, these hurt. And they came at you all the time. You were taught that having basic needs was "selfish," and guilt was the tool used to keep you in line. As a result, you carry a baseline of guilt that controls your choices and makes it incredibly difficult to ask for what you want.
The Victim Pivot: They refuse to take an ounce of accountability. Instead, they twist the facts until they are the victim and you are the one asking for forgiveness for a situation they created.
The Trap of Popular Culture: "You Are Enough"
There is a lot of "pop-culture self-love" out there telling you to chant affirmations like "I am enough." Did it work? Probably not.
Affirmations are great, but using them alone is like trying to bake a cake with only one ingredient. You have to understand who you are saying it to. You’re saying it to the "Child Within" – the eight-year-old who first felt the pain of invalidation.
You can’t just "sub her off" as a weak player to try and win the game of life. You have to sit with her. Go to her in those moments of pain and tell her what she needed to hear back then. Tell her she’s worthy in your words. Tell her it’s okay to make mistakes. Tell her that self-sacrifice is a game played by people in the past – and the reason that game became obsolete is because too many people got permanently damaged playing it.
Building Your Liberation Toolbox
Your brain believes what it hears and sees on repeat. To change your life, you have to change the story. You don’t just need affirmations; you need skills.
Vision of your Future Self: Who is the woman you want to be? Free from the weight of the past, living in peace and joy. This gives your brain a clear destination and a path to follow.
Establish New Values: These are your guardrails. They help you manually make different choices, rather than falling into automatic, triggered behaviours. You’ll start asking: “Does this choice fit the woman I am becoming?”
Identify Energy Vampires: Learn to spot the people who take without reciprocity. When you trust your gut, you’ll know exactly who they are – and you can choose how (or if) you show up for them.
Healthy Boundaries: This is a skill, not a wall. It’s how you keep the vampires out and protect your energy and your needs.
Daily Intentions: Call in how you want to experience your day. If you tell your brain it’s going to be "effortless," it likely will be. Thoughts become things – choose the good ones.
Your Daily Narrative: Before you go to sleep, give yourself a hug. Cross your arms and squeeze your shoulders – feel your own presence. Tell yourself, “Well done today.” Do this no matter what happened, because you are doing your best with the tools you have. Then say, “I love you, [Your Name].”
The Common but the Clever: Gratitude: Finally, take a moment to be grateful for the people who showed up for you today, and a couple of things you have in your life that bring you comfort.
Why? Because this is where the "clever" part of neuroplasticity kicks in. Your brain has a filter called the Reticular Activating System (RAS). If you focus on the "crock," your brain will find more crock (the bad stuff, right!). But when you consciously practice gratitude, you are training your brain to scan the environment for safety and abundance instead of threat and lack. You are physically re-wiring your neural pathways to prioritise peace over panic. You are teaching your brain that it is safe to be happy.
Course Correcting
If you want to learn how to build these skills – because I realise reading about them is only the first step – come and have a chat. I can help you navigate this. Or, you can grab my The Change Experience 3-part book series and work through it in your own space.
Life is never a straight line, but it’s your responsibility to course-correct when it veers off track. Being accountable for every part of your life is the most liberating feeling you will ever own.
Remember, my friend, every day is a school day.
Talk soon,
Fleur Elizabeth x
