The Big T: Must Include Acceptance
If you’ve been following along, you’ll know that last week I began breaking down the critical elements of how to trust yourself. I positioned this as the most important tool in your ability to move forward from a past that keeps you stuck in a repetitive loop. Trusting yourself – what I am calling the "Big T" – is a “must-have life skill” when it comes to the healing process.
Here’s the thing: whatever happened in your past to cause your "stuckness," there was almost certainly an element of your trust being broken, betrayed, demolished, or threatened. Last week, we talked about how self-empathy is the first building block of a safe internal space. This week, we’re talking about Acceptance.
Acceptance is a word we hear often, but truly grasping its power? That’s where the magic lies. Acceptance is your most insightful gift; it is the key to inner peace, balance, and the courage to change unwanted patterns so that trust can finally take hold.
Let’s be Real
Things happen. Ugly, painful, "bloody awful" things. Things we desperately wish we could erase. But the past is etched in stone. Acceptance isn’t about condoning what happened or saying it was "okay." It is about acknowledging your present reality and the valid pain that arises from it. By doing this, you permit yourself to be fully human – to feel the hurt and the rage without suppression. Because suppression? That’s where the real damage occurs.
You can’t change the past, but you can change how it affects you now. When I first started this work, I was confused, angry, and resistant. But as I embraced acceptance, the pain lost its control over me. I learned to love even the parts I used to shame. Anger is powerful, but I realised it’s just energy communicating necessary information. When I gave it space, it flowed, had its say, and left without leaving those lingering triggers.
The Forgiveness Myth
Here is a crucial point: Acceptance does not mean forgiveness. You do not have to forgive someone to find a place of acceptance.
You can use your adult eyes to see your past with a new perspective. Looking in, you are no longer the victim. You can see that the people involved were carrying their own layers of complex, complicated wounds. They were driven by their own demons and hurt inner children, acting only within the capacity they had at the time.
This applies to everyone – even the bad ones. Every child is born innocent; it is only through exposure and treatment that they become dysfunctional or "evil." I was raped and sexually molested. Trust me, finding acceptance for why those men did what they did was a hard task. But I broke them down with my adult eyes. I understood the inadequacies driving them. This isn’t forgiveness; it’s accepting who that person was at the time. My mother? Her manipulation was born from her own history of abuse and abandonment. I don’t have to forgive her to understand the pattern of her mental illness.
Everything is a pattern. When I see them for what they are, they lose their power. I rarely think of them now, but when I do, I’m not triggered. I don’t raise havoc in my life with food, alcohol, or silly behaviours that leave me feeling rubbish. That, sister, is joy. That is freedom from the chains. I now trust my choices.
Why Embrace Acceptance?
Mentally, acceptance breaks the cycle of rumination. When we fight our feelings, we fuel them. Acceptance allows us to observe thoughts without judgement. We realise we are not our feelings; they are simply passing experiences. We regain our power to choose.
Physically, resistance manifests as tension: clenched jaws, tight shoulders, racing hearts. Acceptance calms the nervous system. It reduces chronic pain, improves sleep, and lowers blood pressure. When we stop struggling, we allow our bodies to heal.
Over to You: Your Turn to Start
Trusting yourself is the most liberating experience you can have. It’s the pinnacle milestone where the air feels lighter and your exhale is more enjoyable. So, where do you start? Let’s look at these key areas through the lens of acceptance and see what happens:
1. The mistakes you made
Everything you’ve done "wrong," every person you may have hurt, and every error you’ve blamed yourself for.
The Result: You stop being your own prosecutor. You realise that a mistake is just a data point – something to learn from, not a deficit of character. You reclaim the "lesson" from the wreckage and finally allow yourself to grow. You begin to trust that mistakes are part of the process, and that every day is a school day. You trust that you can handle being a "work in progress."
2. The judgements you made that caused pain
That inner critic telling you that you don’t measure up or that you need to do "more" to be liked.
The Result: A quietening of the internal noise. You start to experience the relief of "good enough." Your energy shifts from "performing" to simply "being," which oddly enough, makes people gravitate toward you more. You begin to trust the people that come into your life because they don’t “want” something from you – you’re not using people-pleasing as a currency. You trust that being yourself is enough to attract the right tribe.
3. The people you trusted who let you down
The people you looked to for comfort who instead validated your narrative that "nobody can be trusted"—often because you chose people you knew, deep down, would break that trust.
The Result: You stop the "re-traumatisation" cycle. You see your role in the people you chose without shame, and you gain the "vision" to spot those red flags earlier next time. You start trusting your gut and your intuition over your loneliness.
4. The relationships that fell apart
The dissolving of connections that left you laden with guilt, self-doubt, and blame.
The Result: You accept that some people are for a season, not a lifetime. You stop performing "autopsies" on dead relationships and start investing that energy into the person who is never leaving you: You. Trusting yourself and building a relationship with yourself can become the love of your life.
5. The struggle and pain you suffered when you were hurt
Blaming yourself for how someone treated you, or believing what they did was your fault.
The Result: With adult eyes, you perform a "Fact vs. Fiction" audit. You see the emotional imbalance for what it was. You stop fighting the fiction of your pain and start validating your history with the truth. Your body sends you messages that you are safe, and you finally trust that your nervous system is allowed to stand down.
6. The horror you experienced as your vulnerable former self
Taking responsibility and blame for things that happened to you, not things you did.
The Result: The restoration of your innocence. You stop carrying the "shame" that belongs to the perpetrator. You stand taller because you aren't weighted down by a "secret" that was never yours to keep. You trust your own version of events, knowing that someone else's denial doesn't change your truth.
7. The "ugly" parts of yourself
The things you’ve done because you were so badly hurt; the stuff you feel deep shame about.
The Result: Radical self-compassion. You realise those "ugly" behaviours were just clumsy survival tools. Once you accept them, you see the patterns – the trigger, behaviour, and consequence. You start to trust yourself to make new choices and step away from the automatic trigger response.
8. The lies you tell yourself daily
Your role in keeping yourself small.
The Result: Absolute authenticity. You accept the woman who woke up today, yawned, and maybe let out a little "morning fluff" while brushing her teeth. You stop the liar and accept the good, the bad, and the stinky. Toot toot. You trust that the real you is far more interesting than the "perfect" lie.
The New Frame
Look, none of this self-reflection work is a walk in the park. It’s pretty chunky stuff to swallow, so take your time – whatever comes up, let it flow. Don’t suppress it. When you see that you can sit with difficult feelings without running to the fridge for chocolate, pouring another wine, or scrolling into a trance, you are planting the seeds of Self-Trust. You are pulling the weeds and throwing out the toxic debris.
Imagine if you were willing to try this – to lean into acceptance. What if you allowed yourself to feel the discomfort without judgement? You might find, as I did, that acceptance loosens the grip of those old wounds. You’ll begin to experience a tangible shift in your inner landscape. You’ll discover hidden strengths and vulnerabilities that become sources of deep power.
You might rediscover the quiet joy of noticing things you never made the time for before, or the simple satisfaction of being present in your own life. Acceptance isn’t a magic wand, but it’s a knowing hand guiding you back to yourself – back to a life where trusting yourself creates the peace, joy, and meaning you deserve.
If you want to work on more ways to find acceptance, come and have a chat. We can work on that together. https://www.fleurelizabeth.com/coaching
Otherwise, you can read all about this in the second book of The Change Experience series, "A New Perspective." https://www.fleurelizabeth.com/books
Sit with this, my friend. Let it sink in.
Talk soon,
Fleur Elizabeth x
