The Grit and Grace of Trusting Yourself
Why Trusting Yourself Starts with Self-Empathy
When you have a history of trauma – whether it’s a single catastrophic event or the complex trauma of growing up in an environment where your needs weren't met – trusting yourself as an adult is incredibly hard.
You see, my friend, if you grew up where you weren't seen, validated, or allowed to be yourself, you never learned how to place your trust in the people who were supposed to be trustworthy. You got mixed messages. You got confused. That is traumatic, and it’s a factor that is too often downplayed or ignored once we become "high-functioning" adults.
Building the skill of trusting yourself isn’t a one-step process. It needs "friends" along the way – complementary skills that help trust become your bedrock. The first and most important friend is Self-Empathy. Over the next month, I’m going to talk about all the supportive skills required to build trust, heal your past, and transform your today.
1. The Skill of Self-Empathy
How Empathy Regulates Your Emotions and Opens the Door to Trust.
Let me be crystal clear: self-empathy isn’t a luxury. It’s a fundamental, non-negotiable survival skill. It is the cornerstone of emotional resilience. If you’ve navigated rough seas, it’s time to build a solid, unshakable inner foundation to allow yourself to completely trust again.
When our past carries the weight of trauma, the journey back to ourselves begins with offering ourselves empathy. When we learn to extend empathy inward, we take a monumental step towards mastering our emotional regulation. We take control of how we respond to the storms within us. It’s a potent process – a way of acknowledging our own hearts with the same toughness and tenderness we’d offer someone we deeply care about.
You’ve likely spent too long at the mercy of your emotions, feeling tossed and turned by the waves, or perhaps stuck in a realm of avoidance – becoming rigid and angry with the world. Validating your own experience, accepting the parts of the past you can’t change, and taking ownership of your journey isn't just a "kind" act; it’s a declaration of your inner power. It transforms your emotions from terrifying adversaries into integrated parts of who you are.
The Three Pillars of Self-Empathy
1. Self-Validation
Often, we’ve been told we’re “too much,” “too sensitive,” or that we need to “just get over it.” We end up echoing that cruelty to ourselves. Self-validation steps in and says: “Yes, this hurts. Yes, this is difficult. And yes, it’s absolutely okay to feel this way.” It’s about creating a safe haven within yourself where your emotions are welcome, not banished.
2. Acceptance
Acceptance isn’t about excusing harm or pretending the past didn’t happen. It’s a quiet, steady acknowledgement of reality. You can accept that something happened without ever having to forgive the inexcusable. Acceptance is the first step in creating a new story where you are defined by your resilience, not your damage. A vital space that you can trust your judgement.
3. Responsibility for Yourself
This isn’t about self-blame. It’s about saying: “Given what I went through, and the tools I had at the time, my choices made sense.” Seeing yourself with that kindness allows you to break old patterns. You aren't changing out of shame; you’re changing to self-understanding and growth. Releasing self criticism, enables clarity, which enables trust.
Practising Emotional Empathy
Here is how you actually use empathy to "drop the anchor" when things get crunchy:
When Overwhelmed by Fear: Instead of criticising yourself for being scared, or not being able to use your voice, try saying: “My body is reacting to a perceived danger. It’s trying to protect me. I’m here, and I’m safe in this moment.” Place a hand on your heart and breathe.
When Triggered by a Memory: Acknowledge the pain without judgement. “This memory is intense. It’s okay to feel this. My past was real, and it still affects me.” Push your feet into the floor. Name five objects you see around you. Come back to the present.
When Feeling Shame: Challenge that critical voice. “This voice is trying to protect me, but it’s not being kind. Is this thought actually true? What would I say to a friend in this spot?”
When Feeling Anger: Don't suppress it. Say: “I am feeling angry; this is a valid emotion. What is this anger telling me?” Anger is energy and a messenger; let it move through you – perhaps through journalling – rather than letting it sit and stagnate. Ask what it is masking, or where it is pointing you; undoubtedly, it's a place inside that needs healing.
Any observation journal, by the way, doesn’t need fancy words or eloquent sentences. It can be literally one single word that sums up how you feel. It’s about showing up and doing the work. When you don’t get it "perfect," that’s fine. We’re looking for progress, not perfection.
Questions to Ask Aloud
Bring this all back to trusting yourself. I want you to read these questions out loud. Then, speak your answers out loud. Let your brain hear your own voice creating a new narrative.
What would it feel like if you woke up tomorrow and you truly trusted yourself? If you listened to every gut feeling and respected your own inner messages?
What if you truly loved the woman you are today? What if you held warm empathy for your past and accepted it for what it was, no longer feeling like a victim?
What if you smiled – or even giggled – every time you made a mess of something? Knowing that you’re going to be better for the lesson?
What would it feel like to breathe so deeply that your mind felt clear, your sleep was restorative, and your nervous system stayed calm?
Food for thought. Let this percolate in your mind. If you fancy a chat about any of this, get in touch via my website. I’ll hold your hand through this.
Talk soon, my friend.
Fleur Elizabeth xx
